This originally appeared at SuckersOnParade.blogspot.com.
http://www.westernjournalism.com/nancy-pelosi-discussed-benghazi-facebook-page/
Had to share… (remember, this is not real – it is sarcasm)
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Tag Archives: humor
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2013 “Bite Me” Awards
For those of you who did not read my first (and only until now) “Bite Me” awards, let me educate you. They are a collection of serious, sarcastic, sometimes angry and often “what the f**k were they thinking?” news and personal items that have been rattling through my head during the year.
Feel free to add on if you think I forgot something. Keep in mind, personal attacks, racial and gender slurs and vulgarities aimed at anyone who comments on my post will not be published. I am a big girl and I can take it, but I will not allow anyone to disrespect my guests.
That being said, here goes:
1. Jahi McMath has been declared brain dead by a judge in California. She is 13. She received a routine tonsillectomy and suffered a cardiac incident post-surgery that placed her in a “vegetative state”. What has truly been lost in all of this is “How did she get this way in the first place?” It is difficult enough to lose a child, but Jahi’s parents have faced this tragedy during what is supposed to be one of the most joyous times for a young girl – Christmas. Isn’t it easy to understand why they are fighting so hard to have her moved to a facility willing to take their insurance and keep her on life support until her “natural death”? However, the hospital she is in currently will not perform the procedure required to transport her to the nursing home because (and I am paraphrasing) they do not perform medical procedures on cadavers. Jahi is not a cadaver to her family, she is their child. This hospital gets a Vacant Heart Bite Me for their complete lack of empathy.
Update: Jahi’s family won the right to have her moved to a long-term care facility and receive the care she needs. I will pray for her and her family. No matter the final outcome, she will always be in the hands of the Angels.
2. Since I am a Libertarian, one could safely assume that the legalization of marijuana in my state does not really bother me. What does bother me is that it seems like the legislators all got together in someone’s mom’s basement with a huge bong, some good skunk weed and a few cases of Lay’s™ potato chips and said “Dude, this legal stuff is a total buzz kill. Just make it okay to smoke and worry about the boring shit later.” “Yeah, man, seriously. Hey, stop hoggin’ on that shit man! I need a hit. Oh, and give me those chips…” It seems as though we are a study-obsessed society. We study everything. The effects of baby poop on our air quality, whether purple hair ties will leak dye into our brains or if e-cigarettes are tempting our youth to become deviant smokers. So, why is it so hard to come up with laws concerning driving under the influence of pot? “Colorado’s Amendment 64, also passed in November 2012, legalizes private pot use by most adults and allows them to grow a small number of marijuana plants. However, no legal blood limit was set for drivers. The debate about what should be done is ongoing” (Edmunds.com, 1/15/2013). You can smoke a joint outside of a restaurant or a store – that’ll just get someone else high if they are forced to stand there, too. Smoke a cigarette and you are lower than a child molester! So, the “But I Got High” Bite Me goes to the Colorado legislators for whatever they were smoking – or not – before they passed this law.
Update: A chain of sushi restaurants in Colorado has come up with a pairing menu for those who smoke weed. I wonder if they are only going to allow those 21 and over who do not mind a contact buzz into their restaurants, designate a day specifically for this activity, or just run things like they usually do. Can’t wait to see how this one plays out…
3. David D. Kirkpatrick of The New York Times wrote, “The violence, though, also had spontaneous elements. Anger at the video motivated the initial attack. Dozens of people joined in, some of them provoked by the video and others responding to fast-spreading false rumors that guards inside the American compound had shot Libyan protesters. Looters and arsonists, without any sign of a plan, were the ones who ravaged the compound after the initial attack, according to more than a dozen Libyan witnesses as well as many American officials who have viewed the footage from security cameras” (nyt.com, 12/28/2013) (emphasis added).
“’I still see pictures on that TV of bloody finger prints on the wall thinking ‘are those my son’s?’ Patricia Smith said” (fox5SanDiego.com, 8/20/2013).
I dare Mr. Kirkpatrick to sit across the table from Mrs. Smith and try to explain his delusional “theories” to a mother who cannot get a straight answer from anyone in Washington. Are the Democrats in Washington so desperate to win their seats in 2014 that they are sending one of their shills out there to rehash an already disproved story and make it appear as though it is new information? For this reason, I am awarding the Manufactured Crises Bite Me to Mr. Kirkpatrick and The New York Times for their valiant efforts to bail out a sinking ship with a thimble.
4. I want to know what planet the Ego in Chief resides upon when he is not on Earth boring us with his condescending speechifying. If he is so concerned about the fact that the House Republicans have not produced a gazillion page roll of toilet paper that masquerades as a Health Care Law, as his does, I have a news flash for him. They haven’t. What they have done is come up with basic solutions to our nation’s health insurance issues as smaller bills that would not cause the chaos his behemoth has. If he wants to know where these solutions are, he needs to look up Harry Reid’s ass. Senator Reid has been sitting on them for years. My personal message to Barack – Barry, babe, it might be too late for you. You are the lamest duck I have ever seen. You would not know the truth if it bit you on the ankle and you think your silken words will lull our ears to believe all we hear you utter. Sorry, Sweet Cheeks, but you are not a Siren. Because your ego is so huge I know leaving a legacy is extremely critical to your self-image. Here’s an idea! Act like a damned grown up, repeal your law and hire people who actually know what they are doing to rewrite it. We do not need to overhaul our entire system, just initiate tort reform, tweek some of the Medicaid and Medicare requirements and allow the health insurance companies to engage in commerce across state lines. Then, maybe Harry can afford to go have surgery so he doesn’t walk around like he has every piece of legislation the House has produced since 2010 up his ass anymore. You might even leave office with a modicum of dignity. Mr. Anointed One, I am awarding you the Aesop’s “The Ass in Lion’s Silk” Bite Me.
5. You might not have done this as a child, but I never listened to my mother so I used to put pennies on the train tracks and watch them stretch and get thinner. Give me some slack – it was a small town and we still had black & white TV back then. Anyway, the penny’s length and width might have increased, but its strength and worth diminished greatly. This is similar to what happens when you just keep printing money in order to solve your problems. More money – worth less. More money – more people have dollars but they are economically weaker. The Holy Shit! We Gotta do SOMETHING! Bite Me of 2013 goes to the Federal Reserve. I am sure my future grandchildren will thank them some day when they are pushing wheelbarrows full of money into Kroger’s to get a loaf of bread.
6. I just found out yesterday – on the local news, mind you – that at least 19,000 Medicaid subscribers have had their HIPAA information hacked in Colorado. Although, we are being half-heartedly assured that no one has had their social security or bank account numbers stolen, I don’t think many are buying it. Our exchange is subsidized by the federal government, so I guess it should have been a foregone conclusion. Why will the government not listen to those who know best and install their security systems first and build upon them? So, this Bite Me is the “AND FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED…”
which I am awarding to all of those in government who should put their hands down and back away from the techie shit!
7. I have decided to start an organization and request 501(c)(3) status. It will be called Gun Owning, Law Abiding, Constitutional Originalist, Bra Hating Women over 50 Who Don’t Give a Shit About KimYe. So…who’s giving odds on my chances I get approved within the next 10 years? My final Bite Me goes to the IRS and Barry’s campaign machine for Gestapo Tactics Cleverly Disguised as Economic Equity Programs.
Please do not forget me when I am in prison. I have enjoyed writing my blog with the hopes that I have entertained, informed, angered and provoked thought over the years…lol 🙂
Katrina
Christmas Giggles
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Gifts for Liberals
Monday Grumbles
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately (be afraid, be very afraid) about the power of a single voice when it comes to religion, military memorials or many things patriotic.
In a nation where our President is elected by the majority of Americans – whether they are alive, dead, legal, illegal or imaginary – how is it that one person whose granny panties are constantly in a wad has the power to eliminate any mention of Jesus, have a Veteran’s memorial dismantled in their town or force a business owner to remove the American Flag from the front of their store?
It seems to me that if you are an Atheist, a painting of a guy you don’t believe in shouldn’t bother you a bit. Neither should mentioning a God you feel doesn’t even exist. If you don’t like the American Flag, move to another country. Mexico’s flag is kind of pretty. If you don’t like the way a memorial to our fallen heroes looks suck it up, Buttercup. They put their lives on the line so you could be a persnickety dork.
For those who are unfamiliar with my blog, and in an effort to help you out prior to your posting untruths in the comment section, I am a Wiccan and a Libertarian. Read “About me?” before you commence with the bitching. It is always important to do your research before you make a fool of yourself.
Anyway, I do not like Barack Obama, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, cucumbers or watermelon. As a matter of fact, I don’t really think there is such a thing as a true Atheist. I do not like Priuses (neither would you if you had to follow one up a canyon for 20 miles) and people who chew with their mouths open are the Devil’s spawn.
Think the ACLU will help me do something about all that?
Martin Bashir Really Gets Me
Things have been weighing heavily upon my mind of late. My conscience is not clear. It is true that secrets can poison the soul and I have been keeping plenty of them.
Today I need to clean my spiritual closet lest Karma slam me three-fold into an oncoming bus. I have a confession to make…
I am a racist.
Yes, I know you are all shocked by this revelation. I was, too. In fact, I denied it until Martin Bashir shone the light upon my dirty little secret. Here are some horrid examples of my racist attitude that I need to share in order to feel cleansed…
- I do not like Famous Amos™ cookies. Lord help me, I prefer Pepperidge Farm™.
- I buy Mrs. Butterworth’s™ syrup, not Aunt Jemima™, because it has a more buttery taste. Mr. Bashir would most likely conclude that I am subconsciously denying the buttery flavor of Aunt Jemima’s™ product because I am racist.
- I own a black cat. BLATANTLY racist! I know she owns me (as all cats do their humans), but fall back on the same slavery-based language of owning a being that is darker in color than I. Unforgivable!
- I have the audacity to adhere to the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” I give everyone a chance to do right or fuck up – equally.
- I believe that the New Black Panthers are no better than the Ku Klux Klan. I despise them equally.
- I do not trust or respect Barack Obama. I feel he is a bad leader for this nation. Mr. Obama’s policies have taken our nation down two thousand notches in the eyes of the world. His stubborn refusal to remove people who have damaged our reputation and, either secretly or with flags waving and bands playing, sought to suppress the thoughts of those with opposing points of view disgusts me. Pure racism. How do I not end my life now?
- Oh, and I am no fan of Bill Clinton, either. Since he was our “first Black President”, I’m certain this adds to the repulsion you all must feel at my declining moral temperature.
- I detest people who apply the label “Uncle Tom” to intelligent, hard-working, respectable people such as Dr. Ben Carson, Lt. Col. Allen West and Mr. Herman Cain. They are men to be emulated, not ridiculed simply because they are African Americans and should “know better”. They do know better – that’s why they are Conservatives. 🙂
Does anyone else see the absurdity in all of this? Am I alone in thinking that you can dislike what a person does simply because of what they do and NOT because of the color of their skin? Why is this always the fallback argument?
Barack Obama is not a delicate flower. He chose to go into politics and he HAD to know that not everyone would agree with him every day. Why can’t his supporters accept the fact that most people believe that his policies suck big hairy frog balls because they suck big hairy frog balls. Not because he is half African American. When he fucks up and the Liberals are mad at him (AP wiretapping, James Rosen, Verizon records seizure, Benghazi, etc.) is it then because he is half white?
Follow the RED Brick Road
Never being one to adhere to convention, when watching The Wizard of Oz as a child I always wondered where the Red Brick Road led. I imagined that the horrors found on the Yellow path might have paled in comparison to those along the Red.
As a “grown up in physical age only” (GUPAO), I find myself comparing the adventures of Dorothy and Toto on their mission to find the Wizard to the power of the current administration to deflect our attention from their true intentions. Those she met along the way were either a) inherently evil; b) lacking empathy; c) unable to think without directions from a more “educated” or charismatic being; or d) fearful of speaking out against the abuses of power that grab at your gut and alert you to the dangers of usurping the true meaning of the Constitution. The only good character spoke in riddles and did not reveal the knowledge she held until after they had been through hell and back. Or Dorothy just chose not to listen to reason because she was awed by the pomp and circumstance, seduced by the Emerald City at the end of the road.
Of course, Dorothy did not begin her journey along the Yellow Brick Road without encouragement and testimonials from those gathered in the town square. There was the Lollypop Guild (Union), The Lullaby League (an organization dedicated to lull her into a sense of security), various politicians, and the Main Stream Media (town crier). All appeared to toe the party line.
What if Dorothy had decided that the information being fed to her in rapid fire confusion just did not sit right? What if she chose her own path – the Red Brick Road? Let’s suppose that a journey along that road began with a pocket Constitution and a print-out of the Declaration of Independence. Of course, the villagers would walk away, shaking their heads in disgust. Dorothy and Toto would be outcasts in a land of “group think”.
So, in choosing the path of free thought, freedom to worship whomever whenever you choose and the right to protect one’s self and his/her family, Dorothy set off with the belief that she was a free individual who could survive without government assistance or intervention. This would prove to be more difficult than she imagined.
The first attempt by the “Yellow Brick Roaders” (YBRs) to dissuade her from continuing was to play upon her familial responsibilities. If Dorothy remained on her current course, and others followed her lead, who would pay for Obamacare? Oh, Secretary Sebelius was doing okay with her fundraising efforts, but the tax dollars earned from the family farm were necessary, too. Dorothy could be condemning Auntie Em to a life without food stamps, Medicare, Social Security and responsible physicians to evaluate when care for Auntie Em was no longer fiscally viable. How dare she! But, Dorothy knew her aunt quite well and ignored the ploy to cajole her to turn back towards the road to dependence upon government.
Along the Red Brick Road, Dorothy noticed people working hard, communities that supported each other and an overriding belief that the Constitution is the law of the land. The YBRs would have none of that. They unleashed their most feared weapon upon Dorothy and the villagers – the IRS…
Of course, though orchestrated by the Witch, the flying monkeys did the dirty work. They messed up paperwork, requested information to which they were not entitled, hid documents in trees where no one could access them and caused delays in processing requests for 501(c) 3 and 4 entities for months – even years. With the Constitution as their guide, the villagers began a long, arduous fight against the witch and her minions. Once Dorothy was certain they had things under control, she and Toto continued down the road.
For a day or so, the duo enjoyed a leisurely stroll down the Red Brick Road taking in the scenery and thinking of those they left at home. To her left, Dorothy saw the most beautiful field dotted with colorful flowers and chose to veer off the path. Toto tried to warn her, but Dorothy wanted some of the flowers to bring home to Auntie Em.
As soon as she entered the field, Dorothy became extremely tired, lay down and fell into a deep sleep. At first, the voice of the Anointed One sounded like that of an angel – soothing tones and logical rhetoric. But, something changed. His voice became more defensive and condescending. “I think when you spread the wealth around it’s good for everybody”, “After a century of striving, after a year of debate, after a historic vote, health care reform is no longer an unmet promise. It is the law of the land.”, “It’s not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.” – Barack Hussein Obama. This new tone of voice jarred Dorothy out of her slumber and back to reality. She now knew, if only for a moment, what it felt like to drink the Kool Aid™. It was an empty, desperate feeling she hoped never to experience again.
“I know, Toto, I screwed up.” Toto looked up at Dorothy and wagged his tail. Lesson learned. If it looks too good to be true, it probably is.
Not long after the “Poppy Incident”, they came across a group of individuals who seemed quite lost. A lion, a scarecrow and a man made of tin. After what seemed like hours of round about conversation, Dorothy finally understood the dilemma the three found themselves in. The tin man had lost all empathy after being forced to assist in a cover-up of the murder of an American diplomat and three others in Libya. The words he was ordered to repeat to the world over and over again became truth in his mind and heart. He was having a hard time regaining his humanity.
The lion was fearful of losing his income, pension and standing in the YBR community if he did not support the views of the administration both publicly and in private. He knew of attempts to bypass legal channels in order to step on the First Amendment Rights of journalists who resided within or on the fringes of the YBR and he did not want that kind of misery to befall him.
The scarecrow had been a political appointee of the Anointed One and had lost the ability to think for himself. He parroted their talking points regarding the Embassy in Libya on several news shows and his brain had atrophied due to constant misuse.
Fearing there was nothing she could do for them, Dorothy brought the trio to the villagers in hopes that their faith in what the RBR stood for might help her new found friends get on the road to recovery.
Dorothy and Toto were coming to the end of their journey. She had learned much about the strength of communities and the importance of maintaining your individuality. She was even stronger in her conviction that the Constitution was meant to protect individual citizens from their government, not give the government a tool to oppress the citizens. It was not a “living, breathing document”, it was written in a way that it could be applied – as is – today just as it could over 200 years ago.
When they got to the end of the road, a mountain range was visible in the background. The sun was setting behind them. An eagle soared over the largest American Flag Dorothy had ever seen. “Toto”, she said, “we are finally home.”
Curiosity Question
Just a quick question…If your dog has your cat’s tail hanging out of his mouth, would you ask said dog to investigate who ate your cat? Just sayin’…
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He’s no Abe Lincoln
Someone emailed this cartoon to me today. I just had to share it with you…
So I said to him, “Barack, I know Abe Lincoln, and you ain’t Abe Lincoln.”
Gotta love this one, too…
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people’s initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.……..Abraham Lincoln
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