November 20, 2013
Hello, and welcome to my Thanksgiving roll-out. Since I have already achieved my goal of receiving positive responses to the invitations that I extended earlier in the year, Thanksgiving dinner will be ready on time on Thursday, November 28 at 2pm.
Our turkey hatched in August and I am confident it will be at least 25 lbs. by the due date.
I have hired several chefs to prepare the side dishes. They have not presented the proposed menu to me as of today due to the fact that I had many rounds of golf to play and, quite frankly, menus are just one of the icky details I should not have to concern myself with. It is on my desk somewhere awaiting my approval. One thing I can assure my guests with a 100% degree of certainty is if you want your mashed potatoes, you can keep your mashed potatoes, period. You will be able to keep your green bean casserole, period.
November 26, 2013
It is clear that the Thanksgiving roll-out has experienced some glitches. The turkey gained only 10 lbs. and cancellation notices have gone out to those who have been surreptitiously uninvited, leaving them nowhere to go on Thanksgiving. The sweet potatoes will only be 40% cooked by dinner time and none of the chefs remembered to purchase the ingredients for mashed potatoes. I was not aware of these glitches directly and apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. However, my neighbors are having Thanksgiving dinner as well and this is obviously an attempt to create havoc in our home, which resulted in the aforementioned menu failures. Former President George W. Bush is also holding a dinner at his home, which has created a potato shortage. Therefore, it is his fault that there will be no potatoes this year.
November 27, 2013 – 10am
It has come to my attention (again, indirectly) that the directions to our home that were posted online cannot be accessed due to IT errors. If you require directions, please call 555-555-5555 and talk to my two-year-old niece who has been given minimal training and can refer you to her mother, who knows even less.
November 27, 2013 – Noon
Good news! We have managed to acquire enough potatoes for dinner tomorrow. However, we will only offer them between 1 and 1:15pm on Thanksgiving day. Bad news! Since there are too many green bean casseroles being served on this day, we will have to drop the casserole from our menu. This will decrease the cost of our dinner. If you still wish to have your green bean casserole, our neighbors will be serving it and you must be prepared to be put on their waiting list in order to receive a less-than-adequate helping.
November 27, 2013 – 5pm
We have chosen to ignore the recall of many items by the FDA and will be serving these food items anyway. We cannot guarantee the security of your health after you have consumed your dinner. We are not a professional restaurant and are not subject to the rules and regulations set forth by the Health Department in our state.
November 28, 2013 – Thanksgiving Day
We had many chefs working on our dinner. We were really tired last night and did not get around to checking the final menu until midnight. Your choices will be limited and not all guests will be able to participate in the actual eating of the dinner. The majority of you may have to go to the local soup kitchens and partake in the free dinners provided for those in need. Even though you may not technically qualify for assisted Thanksgiving Dinner, we will find a way for you to enjoy their limited supply of food, even if it means those who truly need it do not get their food.
Again, due to the late collaboration with our chefs, it appears the menu works well when looked at section by section, but does not provide a complete, satisfying meal. Your dinner will consist of one square inch of turkey and a tablespoon of Stove Top™ stuffing. We will now have to charge you a fee for this dinner because we did not have enough young, healthy people to assist us in setting the table.
We are looking forward to seeing those of you who were able to find directions to our home and to watching the Lions lose later on.