Welcome to the Inaugural Bite Me Awards show.  The Bite Me was conceived in my warped little mind by a majority of my alternate personalities during a marathon game of Beer Pong.  Obviously, I lost.  The award reflects my views on the major events that occurred during 2009.   So, if you don’t agree with my selection of Bite Me recipients, BITE ME 😉

• The first Bite Me goes to DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano.   She hemmed and hawed when asked if she had reviewed both the Terror Watch List and No-Fly List.  Well, of course she didn’t have time to perform this “minor” task.  Secretary Napolitano was too busy compiling a list of her own.  This one included returning Veterans, members of certain religious organizations, members of the VFW and American Legion, members of the NRA and people affiliated with several grass-roots organizations throughout the United States.  It is entitled the “Domestic Terror Watch list”.  Janet – BITE ME!!!
• Speaker Nancy Pelosi – Poor thing.  She is obviously operating under the delusion that she is the be-all to end all in the world of…well, in the World PERIOD.  Speaker Pelosi gets a special Bite Me for equating Tea Party protestors to the hateful, anti-gay murderer of Harvey Milk in the 1970’s.
• Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) has earned an award for this enlightened statement made in reference to the special deals given to certain Senators in order to pass the Health Care Reform bill – “I don’t know if there is a senator that doesn’t have something in this bill that was important to them.  And if they don’t have something in it important to them, then it doesn’t speak well of them.”  Really?  I think this ignorance deserves a very special award for going above and beyond the normal degree of elitist bullshit – the coveted “Constitution?  We don’t need no stinkin’ Constitution!” Award.

Harry, Harry, Harry…read Article I, Section 8, ¶1.  It appears to me that Congress is in clear violation of Constitutional Law.  Just to make it easy on you, I will quote the referenced section:

“The Congress shall have Power to lay and collect Taxes, Duties, Imposts and Excises, to pay the Debts and provide for the common Defence and general Welfare of the United States; but all Duties, Imposts and Excises SHALL BE UNIFORM THROUGHOUT THE UNITED STATES:…”

In other words, darlin’, by making some states exempt from paying certain taxes, etc., you have created an atmosphere of inequity and, thus, are in violation of the law as set forth in the Constitution on September 17, 1787.  (Not to mention that little Tenth Amendment thingy.)  Hey, but what do I know?  I’m just a girl.

• Attorney General Eric Holder gets a Big Apple style “YO!  Bite Me!”  for transferring the terror trials from military to civilian jurisdiction; a) placing undue burdens on the economies of both New York City and the nation as a whole; b) putting NYC residents, 9/11 Victims’ Families, first responders and, again, the entire country through the emotional turmoil of watching scum like KSM and his buddies spew their hatred in open court; and c) giving terrorists the opportunity to learn even more about our security methods and interrogation techniques.  I believe that you and your boss should be held personally liable if it is proven that any future attacks against American Citizens on American Soil were made possible as a direct result of knowledge obtained by terrorists via court transcripts from these trials once they have taken place.
• A “Mini Bite Me” goes to both NYC Police Commissioner Ray Kelly (whom I used to have a great respect for) and NYC Mayor Bloomberg for thinking the trials are a good idea.
• No Bite Me Awards show would be complete without a Redneck, Racist, Gun Owning, Sea Kitten Hatin’, Tea Party Astro-Turfer Bite Me for my favorite Diva of Dementia – Janeane Garofalo!  Unfortunately, Ms. Garofalo could not be here to accept her award in person as she is currently undergoing treatment for depression after learning that both Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin made the New York Times Bestseller List.  We have arranged for a can of Dolphin-safe Tuna to accept this award on her behalf.  (Well, at least there’s a chance the Tuna might say something funny.)

Well, folks, we have come to the part of the evening you have all been waiting for.  In a moment we will award the most prestigious prize to the individual most deserving of our love and respect…according to Him, anyway.  This year’s recipient has had a lifetime of n0n-achievement that has spanned the globe – from the Menteng region of Jakarta to the State of Hawaii he has avoided, evaded, organized, lectured, campaigned and fundraised his way into the highest office in the land. Some of you know him as Barry, Bam, The One or Rock.  Here he is, folks…President Barack Hussein (Soetoro?) Obama II!!!!!!!  Excuse me…What?…Really?  Okay, okay…

Sorry, folks.  It seems the Anointed One will not be here tonight.  As with other important events, he has chosen to play golf instead of accepting responsibility.  Never fear!  We have done well without him so far.  I’m sure we can do without him now and in the future.

I will now present the Bite My Tattooed Ass Award to He Who Walks on Water in absentia.  Barack was chosen for this honor in part because of moments such as:

• The Beer Summit debacle – His comments 6 days after this incident were classic:
  • “I don’t know, not having been there and not seeing all the facts,…” (He should have shut up at that point, but NO!) “…what role race played in that [Gates case].  But I think it is fair to say, number one, any of us would be pretty angry; number two, that the Cambridge police acted stupidly in arresting somebody when there was already proof that they were in their own home; and, number three, what I think we know separate and apart from this incident is that there’s a long history in this country of African-Americans and Latinos being stopped by law enforcement disproportionately.  That’s just a fact.”  (Jeepers, Wally.  Seems like the Beav was just a tad out of control there, huh?)
  • Apology Tours I, II and (who could forget Copenhagen) III.  Not to mention the pre-election, “I’m running for leader of the World” Campaign Apology-in-Advance Tour.
  • How ‘bout those heart-wrenching “get me some ICY HOT™ my back hurts” moments when our beloved President bowed before (oops, meant to say “ inspected the shoes of”) two foreign leaders.
  • Last, but certainly not least, the “Do I Really have to interrupt my freakin’ golf game for THIS!?!?” comments made during his oh-so-greatly-deserved vacation in Hawaii in which the Anointed One referred to the Underwear Bomber (gotta love the warm, fuzzy nick names the press gives to terrorists bent on the destruction of our society) as an “isolated extremist”.  Hmmm…that’s funny.  Nidal Hasan was also an “isolated extremist”.  But, didn’t they both communicate with the same Imam?  Gee, babe, they don’t seem so isolated to me.  I’m just sayin’…

That concludes our awards show this evening.  Thank you all for taking the time to be here with me to celebrate the accomplishments of all of our honorees.

I would like to wish each and every one of you (even Ben 🙂 ) a wonderful, safe and Happy New Year’s Eve.  My heart is with our brave men and women serving our nation overseas and at home.