Goin’ Redneck and Lovin’ it

Be aware…this could happen to you!

It begins in small ways, creeping into your life like the small tree roots that invade the sewer pipe in your basement.  Slowly you begin to notice that the face-paced life you once led has been reduced to gentle meandering.

You lose your 3 bedroom house to foreclosure and take up residence in a 1970’s single-wide complete with highly flammable paneling and olive green bathroom fixtures.  Instead of fighting it, you choose to embrace the green.  Retro, right?

An equally repulsive chocolate brown kitchen sink (which has now faded to the color of puppy poop) greets you each morning.  So, you decide to forgo grinding the precious few custom coffee beans you purchased at Whole Foods because the idea of being that awake in the nightmare your life has become makes your stomach do strange things.

As you get ready for the 50th job interview in 10 days, you drop your diamond stud earring into the turquoise (?) shag carpeting in your “eclectic” living room.

That is the last straw.  Why fight it?  Admit that you are no longer the mid-level exec you used to be.  You are just another schlepp on the unemployment line like the rest of us.

For all of you newbies out there, I have some tips for survival.

  1. NASCAR – nuff said.
  2. Denim and workboots are a MUST.  Second-hand stores are your friends.
  3. If you lose a tooth, laugh.  It’s just one less to brush.  Plus you won’t have to spend money on Jethro Teeth for Halloween.
  4. Get a small white dog of some type (preferrably a terrier mix).  They are born with an understanding of fluent redneck.
  5. Forget your child’s or children’s actual names.  Boy and Girl work jest fine.
  6. Roll your own smokes.
  7. RC cola with salted peanuts in it ROCKS!!!
  8. Get some DVD’s of Red Green – he is an “international redneck”

Once you’ve begun to feel comfy in your new skin, git yerself a 1970’s something Ford Pick-Up and give it a name.  Tool through town and play country music REALLY LOUD on the stereo.

You’ll be surprised how relaxing life is when you just don’t give a damn about the rest of the world anymore 😉

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