(WARNING: If you have no sense of humor about politics, people in general, stupid Government tricks or New Yorkas then I STRONGLY suggest you read no further. If you can look at the absurdity that is our world today with a smile on your face and sarcasm in your heart…party on, Wayne!)
Okay, no matter your political leanings, you have to admit that our Government is funny. Scary…but funny. I just heard the new plan for the soon-to-be released Gitmo detainees and an absurd scenario flashed through my head. In a nut shell, some of the detainees are to be released into the United States to live, and (it is being proposed) they will be receiving Government assistance. Now…let’s picture a detainee’s interview at the Unemployment Office in, say, Queens, NY:
OVerpaid Unemployment Manager (OVUM): Whadaya want…
Previous Enemy, Now Indigent Soul (PENIS): I come to America Government for job…no job. I come to America Government for house…no house. So, I come to America Government for money. Give to me money.
OVUM: Whatever…why ain’tcha workin’, Mr…how the FUCK do you pronounce this?
PENIS: Rashdanadjakarikhomeni…but you can say only “Rash” as my comrades…uh, friends…call to me.
OVUM: Whatever…Mr. Rash, why ain’tcha workin’?
PENIS RASH: Was just released from GITMO…job hard to find.
OVUM: Whoa, Whoa, WHOA!!! Is that like a MENTAL HOSPITAL! Ya know, we got enough nut jobs in this fuckin’ country.
PENIS RASH: Yes, yes…Nancy Pelosi, Rush Limbaugh…I understand. No, it was prison in Cuba.
OVUM: Oh, okay. Have yous been applyin’ for work?
PENIS RASH: I tried King of Burger…no job. I tried this Virgin Airlines and find out they do not provide me Virgin as Allah has promised. Then tell me I need to LAND plane…cannot do this. So, I sit with you wanting American bailout…like AIG.
OVUM: Mr. Rash, you have ta try harda than two freakin’ jobs. After all, money don’t grown on trees, ya know?
PENIS RASH: You are lying dog! I watch CNN. America give many money. Catfish get money to have sex…bees get insurance of health…why cannot I get money? You are much prejudiced, much hateful!!!
OVUM: YO! Take a fuckin’ Valium. What did ya do for a livin’ before?
PENIS RASH: I was first son of wealthy man. Born to priviledge and promise of many riches. Like your President Bush!
OVUM: Honey, you been outta the loop for too long. He ain’t our President no more. We got Obama now.
PENIS RASH: So, this Obama. He will give money to me?
OVUM: Are you an American citizen?
OVUM: Are you legally in the United States?
PR: Not for surely. Must find out what your Congress says.
OVUM: Okay, then…Well, Mr. Rash I can approve you for Unemployment. Howeva, I do have an opening at Acorn for Census Takers. It might be a good opportunity. You will get minimum wage, Medicaid, Food Stamps and a housing allowance provided your figures are “geographically beneficial” in the next Election Cycle. Whatdaya think?
PR: I would rather fuck Catfish…